It's a really hard emotion to describe...
It's not like saying "Goodbye" to friends...
It's not like I'm leaving my children...
In all honesty, I'm feeling the same way that I've felt when leaving home. Watching their family wave to me from the front lawn, brought on the same emotion as watching my family wave goodbye from the front steps.
You drive away, looking back as many times as you can, knowing that you left a piece of you behind.
I'm saying goodbye to three little guys who have made me smile, and made my heart rejoice in completely new ways. And saying goodbye to two parents who have taught me more then they know, and given me so much trust and warm love.
It helps to know that when Jacob asked me if he was ever going to see me again, I was able to say, with complete confidence that he would. Not as soon as either one of us would like, but I'll get another high-five-kiss-hug as soon as possible!
There a million words that I want to share with them, and as soon as I pull myself together, I know I'll find those words in the deepest parts of my heart - but right now I just had to send this out to the void. Hoping that writing this out will give me a little time to focus on everything that I need to do to get ready to actually move.
If not, I'll be tempted to sabotage my move so I can stay (Silla) forever.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
A day to write home about...
6:00 am: As soon as the alarm went off, I jumped out of bed. Okay, I didn't jump so much as just.... woke up. But, compared to my usual reaction to my first alarm clock, I may as well have jumped out of bed. (Yes, first alarm clock. Waking me up is a complex and well thought out process). I knew it was going to be a long, interesting morning!
7:00 am: Each morning that I pull up to babysit for the boys, I swear I can hear Europe's epic ditty "The Final Countdown" playing. I've shifted into max "cherish every moment" mode. So, when I walked into the house and Jacob begged for me to "hold him" (which he really never does) and then decided to show me some new toys, I followed! Even as Nathan ran around the house saying "poop" and stinking worse then I ever knew something so cute could stink, I kissed his forehead and hosed him down! All Jonas has to do is smile, and I melt.
8:30 am: If I could, I'd insert a clip of my walk -nay- jog into the "Law Enforcement Building". Because I was one of the many people scheduled to appear in court this morning, I had to wiggle my way onto the side of a street to park, then run back to the building. I was most certainly not going to be late - I'm not that person. At least not today. Purse on x-ray, phone in basket, me through metal detector. Run upstairs. Read signs. Take sheet of paper. Walk into courtroom labeled "traffic".
"Mam, you can't wear flip flops in court" says the deputy.
I apologized and he assured me it wasn't a big deal. He took my citation paper and disappeared. I did as I was told and sat. And sat a whole lot more.
10:00 am: Still sitting.
10:30 am: A lovely lady, who looked just like Omarosa but luckily for me was not as crazy, called my name and sat down to talk to me. I could immediately tell how grateful she was that I was decent enough to introduce myself, shake her hand, and not yell at her within seconds of meeting her like some of the 5 other people I'd seen doing just that. I could tell that she sat and relaxed a little bit. Took a deep breath. Told me it had already been a long morning. I liked that she reacted to me that way. My heart went out to her. She spends day after day getting attitude from people because they brought their 2 year old to court and therefor wouldn't be allowed to go in. Or trying to get a statement from men who have obviously abused so many substances, they can barely be understood at all. I was more then happy to be a polite, coherent, trouble-free consultation. I got to "plead no-contest" and "waive my right to a lawyer". She seemed just a perplexed as me as we tried to figure out how it was that I was going to appear in front of a judge if I couldn't be let into to courtroom wearing my scandalous Reef Flip Flops. Apparently, neon multi-colored sneakers are OK. As are black pleather knee boots. And one boot and one fuzzy sock covered cast. But, my flip flop clad feet were a big no.
11:00 am: After a quick run to my car to change into my work sneakers, I find myself sitting in the back row of a rather full court room. I wish I could go through person by person- plenty of characters (one of which I may have known... awkward). But by far, one situation stood out. A young man was called up to speak with the judge. He was there because he was found in possession of marijuana - just under an ounce, I believe. By the time they got to him, my mind was already filled to the brim with gratitude to my family and God from protecting me from all of that. The judge very sternly warned this boy/man that he better be honest or he wouldn't be walking out of there today. It was immediately apparent to the judge that his mom had no idea how much marijuana he had been in possession of. Apparently, she only found out about the whole thing because she found his court order while doing his laundry. Judge...not...impressed. He asked the boy how long he had been in the mix, and when the last time he smoked was. I can only hope that it was his shame that cause his voice to be so soft that I wasn't able to hear what he answered. But it was about this time that mom lost it. I really felt my heart hurting for her - she was clearly aching for her son, and quite publicly no less. It was clear the judge was trying to be sensitive to the mom, while also using her pain and outpouring of emotion to make a point with his kid. He ended up "putting him to the side" and I'm assuming he went back to his case after everyone left. I'm all for it - let him sit there and think. Maybe this would help get him out of "the mix", as the judge called it.
11:30 am: Melissa Scanlon called up to the front. Plead no contest to charges of "following too closely". 1st in a lifetime. Judge said to me, exactly what he had said to many before "Plea of no contest is accepted. Pay the fine today and you'll be done with us and we'll be done with you". I smiled. I moved on.
11:37 am: I'm paying for my ticket.
11:40 am: I'm walking to my car.
All of that because I was "following too closely". I'm still having a hard time understanding why it's easier for them to make me go through all that, when every person there who was in there for the same reason I was, was handled in the same manner, with the same fee and the same script. Seems like a big waste of my and the legal system's time. I was amazed at how long I was there. My prayer is that if I ever HAVE to go to court again, I hope it's only after my name is Melissa Cameron. They call C names much sooner then S names. :)
"Mam, you can't wear flip flops in court" says the deputy.
I apologized and he assured me it wasn't a big deal. He took my citation paper and disappeared. I did as I was told and sat. And sat a whole lot more.
10:00 am: Still sitting.
10:30 am: A lovely lady, who looked just like Omarosa but luckily for me was not as crazy, called my name and sat down to talk to me. I could immediately tell how grateful she was that I was decent enough to introduce myself, shake her hand, and not yell at her within seconds of meeting her like some of the 5 other people I'd seen doing just that. I could tell that she sat and relaxed a little bit. Took a deep breath. Told me it had already been a long morning. I liked that she reacted to me that way. My heart went out to her. She spends day after day getting attitude from people because they brought their 2 year old to court and therefor wouldn't be allowed to go in. Or trying to get a statement from men who have obviously abused so many substances, they can barely be understood at all. I was more then happy to be a polite, coherent, trouble-free consultation. I got to "plead no-contest" and "waive my right to a lawyer". She seemed just a perplexed as me as we tried to figure out how it was that I was going to appear in front of a judge if I couldn't be let into to courtroom wearing my scandalous Reef Flip Flops. Apparently, neon multi-colored sneakers are OK. As are black pleather knee boots. And one boot and one fuzzy sock covered cast. But, my flip flop clad feet were a big no.
11:00 am: After a quick run to my car to change into my work sneakers, I find myself sitting in the back row of a rather full court room. I wish I could go through person by person- plenty of characters (one of which I may have known... awkward). But by far, one situation stood out. A young man was called up to speak with the judge. He was there because he was found in possession of marijuana - just under an ounce, I believe. By the time they got to him, my mind was already filled to the brim with gratitude to my family and God from protecting me from all of that. The judge very sternly warned this boy/man that he better be honest or he wouldn't be walking out of there today. It was immediately apparent to the judge that his mom had no idea how much marijuana he had been in possession of. Apparently, she only found out about the whole thing because she found his court order while doing his laundry. Judge...not...impressed. He asked the boy how long he had been in the mix, and when the last time he smoked was. I can only hope that it was his shame that cause his voice to be so soft that I wasn't able to hear what he answered. But it was about this time that mom lost it. I really felt my heart hurting for her - she was clearly aching for her son, and quite publicly no less. It was clear the judge was trying to be sensitive to the mom, while also using her pain and outpouring of emotion to make a point with his kid. He ended up "putting him to the side" and I'm assuming he went back to his case after everyone left. I'm all for it - let him sit there and think. Maybe this would help get him out of "the mix", as the judge called it.
11:30 am: Melissa Scanlon called up to the front. Plead no contest to charges of "following too closely". 1st in a lifetime. Judge said to me, exactly what he had said to many before "Plea of no contest is accepted. Pay the fine today and you'll be done with us and we'll be done with you". I smiled. I moved on.
11:37 am: I'm paying for my ticket.
11:40 am: I'm walking to my car.
All of that because I was "following too closely". I'm still having a hard time understanding why it's easier for them to make me go through all that, when every person there who was in there for the same reason I was, was handled in the same manner, with the same fee and the same script. Seems like a big waste of my and the legal system's time. I was amazed at how long I was there. My prayer is that if I ever HAVE to go to court again, I hope it's only after my name is Melissa Cameron. They call C names much sooner then S names. :)
Thursday, October 21, 2010
To Geebs, With Love : An Open Letter
Colonel Mustard,
I have known you, and loved you (even when I hid that love in that place inside you where you hide things that you can't process, or are scared of, or are unknown) for as long as I can remember. I mean, really, when I think about my life...all 23 years... there is "The Paris Era", "The Forgotten Era", and "The Post Meeting Tyler Era"! And yet, after all this time, and all we've been through... I just got major butterflies in my stomach thinking about you. Full on, "he just asked me on our first date"/"my hand accidentally grazed his"/"he put his arms around me for the first time at the movies"/"first kiss" kind of butterflies.
It dawned on me that, while I love you completely, I am sure that in some way or another, my love for you has been stifled by this distance between us. Maybe not stifled, but most certainly unable to reach it's full potential. I love knowing that I can love you more then I do right now. That I can spend the rest of my life learning new ways to love you, feeling more and more loved by you.
I've spent an insanely little amount of time with John and Nicole, but it doesn't take long to see how insanely in love they are. They just fit. They are a team! They are grown ups with responsibility, though decisions, a child and bills... but I swear I see them look at each other and I know that is how they looked at each other when they met 7 years ago. Watching how happy Nicole is when John is in the room, makes me so look forward to being your wife. To being partners and taking care of each other. I want to be the person that helps makes your stress melt away.
I can't stand thinking of how hard you work, and how poorly everything at works gets handle. And how little you get recognized for all that you do. You are such a determined, able, tenacious worker. You see something that needs to be done, and you do it. I'm so proud to have a man who takes any job as seriously as you do yours. It's respectable and commendable.
It's insane to think that this whole last part of us... dating, getting it right (finally :), getting engaged... we've spend so little time in the same state. So much time apart. I know that God knew of he was doing (obviously), and I am grateful for the way it happen. We were forced to take things slow. To communicate and be honest. And now, we get to be together! We get to decide to see a late night movie on an impulse, take a drive to nowhere, stay in the house all day and watch....well, we both know how long the list of shows/movies we want to watch together is!
I realize that life will never be just a walk in the park, (Ooh! Walks in the park!) and that there will be parts of this transition that might be awkward/weird/difficult or just need adjusting, but I can't wait for the next phase. I can't wait to be sad, and get to see you versus hear you. To be cold, and get to wrap up with you! To feel scared, and feel your hand comfort mine.
I will never deserve you. I will never be perfect, but know that I will spend my life - and all our days together proud to be by your side, humbled that you picked me, and always trying to make you the happiest man alive!
I can't wait to give you kisses.
Love,
Scarlet.
I have known you, and loved you (even when I hid that love in that place inside you where you hide things that you can't process, or are scared of, or are unknown) for as long as I can remember. I mean, really, when I think about my life...all 23 years... there is "The Paris Era", "The Forgotten Era", and "The Post Meeting Tyler Era"! And yet, after all this time, and all we've been through... I just got major butterflies in my stomach thinking about you. Full on, "he just asked me on our first date"/"my hand accidentally grazed his"/"he put his arms around me for the first time at the movies"/"first kiss" kind of butterflies.
It dawned on me that, while I love you completely, I am sure that in some way or another, my love for you has been stifled by this distance between us. Maybe not stifled, but most certainly unable to reach it's full potential. I love knowing that I can love you more then I do right now. That I can spend the rest of my life learning new ways to love you, feeling more and more loved by you.
I've spent an insanely little amount of time with John and Nicole, but it doesn't take long to see how insanely in love they are. They just fit. They are a team! They are grown ups with responsibility, though decisions, a child and bills... but I swear I see them look at each other and I know that is how they looked at each other when they met 7 years ago. Watching how happy Nicole is when John is in the room, makes me so look forward to being your wife. To being partners and taking care of each other. I want to be the person that helps makes your stress melt away.
I can't stand thinking of how hard you work, and how poorly everything at works gets handle. And how little you get recognized for all that you do. You are such a determined, able, tenacious worker. You see something that needs to be done, and you do it. I'm so proud to have a man who takes any job as seriously as you do yours. It's respectable and commendable.
It's insane to think that this whole last part of us... dating, getting it right (finally :), getting engaged... we've spend so little time in the same state. So much time apart. I know that God knew of he was doing (obviously), and I am grateful for the way it happen. We were forced to take things slow. To communicate and be honest. And now, we get to be together! We get to decide to see a late night movie on an impulse, take a drive to nowhere, stay in the house all day and watch....well, we both know how long the list of shows/movies we want to watch together is!
I realize that life will never be just a walk in the park, (Ooh! Walks in the park!) and that there will be parts of this transition that might be awkward/weird/difficult or just need adjusting, but I can't wait for the next phase. I can't wait to be sad, and get to see you versus hear you. To be cold, and get to wrap up with you! To feel scared, and feel your hand comfort mine.
I will never deserve you. I will never be perfect, but know that I will spend my life - and all our days together proud to be by your side, humbled that you picked me, and always trying to make you the happiest man alive!
I can't wait to give you kisses.
Love,
Scarlet.
 |
| Melissa Rose and Tyler James My Sweet 16th Sleepover Rindge, NH |
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Pilot: Step 1.
It's going to be a big year for me, so I'm going to do everything I can to immortalize every moment.
Tonight is Step 1.
As I type, I'm moving out of the Extended Stay hotel I've been staying at for a few months. It's been an interesting experience (remind me to tell you about it later)... but on Sunday, two angels descended from the heavens and offered to let me stay with them for the remainder of my time in Augusta.
So, like a mad person I under estimated how much useless junk I had, tried to pack it all alone, rush it to my car/storage...and totally exhausted myself.
Here I am tonight, just about ready to check out and it hit me...
I'm going to leave here to move in with a wonderful family for a couple weeks. From there, I'll head back up to Boston and move in with my parents for about a year until it's wedding time!
What that means is that tonight is very likely going to be the last night that I live alone or "on my own".
Kind of a crazy thought.
I'm so bad at change.
There are so many amazing and exciting reasons for going home. It's what I want, no question. It's still home. It's where my fiancé is! And my family. I can't wait.
And yet...
I'm so bad at change.
Goodbyes.
Leaving my comfort zone.
Packing.
Driving.
I hate to be having such a lame, petty, public pity party... especially when really I'm so excited to be going home but there is definitely a part of me that can't help but feel physically and emotionally drained. While I never really felt like Augusta and I clicked, there is still a melancholic feeling. I've learned so much about myself (more to come), made so many mistakes, and even more memories - it's been my two years on my own. I've given my heart to 3 little boys, and grown so much with God and figuring out who me is, and what me needs, and what me wants.
However, in addition to being lucky in another billion ways, the one I keep focusing on of late is how lucky I am to see a "light at the end of a tunnel" (dramatic...).
I know with complete certainty that no matter what happens between now and the day I make it to my parents house, that the moment I first sit on those comfy green couches... after a big hug from all of my favorite people...everything will fade away. The stress, the emotions, the exhaustion won't mean anything anymore.
So no matter how tired and stressed out I am, I thank God every morning...and every night... and a few times in between... that it's just temporary.
A short crazy train leading to the best year of my life!
I had to take this 2 a.m. break from my 72 hour packing party to remind myself why I'm doing all this... that's it's only temporary and that I am just simply one of the luckiest people in the world.
No more pity parties!
Well, I'll try really hard :) I'm sure that once the wedding planning gets underway, and as things don't go my way I'll have plenty more pity parties... but anyone reading is allowed to slap me out of it! And remind me how lucky I am!
I'm in love. Head over heels. Marrying my best friend. Moving back in with my wonderful family. Counting the minutes until I get to meet Madilynn Renee. Getting a dream vacation in Mexico. Enjoying winter and Christmas.
So many things to be grateful for.
Also, I'm sure that over the next year, I'll be asking for a lot of wedding advice and have a lot of questions so please help! :)
Tonight is Step 1.
As I type, I'm moving out of the Extended Stay hotel I've been staying at for a few months. It's been an interesting experience (remind me to tell you about it later)... but on Sunday, two angels descended from the heavens and offered to let me stay with them for the remainder of my time in Augusta.
So, like a mad person I under estimated how much useless junk I had, tried to pack it all alone, rush it to my car/storage...and totally exhausted myself.
Here I am tonight, just about ready to check out and it hit me...
I'm going to leave here to move in with a wonderful family for a couple weeks. From there, I'll head back up to Boston and move in with my parents for about a year until it's wedding time!
What that means is that tonight is very likely going to be the last night that I live alone or "on my own".
Kind of a crazy thought.
I'm so bad at change.
There are so many amazing and exciting reasons for going home. It's what I want, no question. It's still home. It's where my fiancé is! And my family. I can't wait.
And yet...
I'm so bad at change.
Goodbyes.
Leaving my comfort zone.
Packing.
Driving.
I hate to be having such a lame, petty, public pity party... especially when really I'm so excited to be going home but there is definitely a part of me that can't help but feel physically and emotionally drained. While I never really felt like Augusta and I clicked, there is still a melancholic feeling. I've learned so much about myself (more to come), made so many mistakes, and even more memories - it's been my two years on my own. I've given my heart to 3 little boys, and grown so much with God and figuring out who me is, and what me needs, and what me wants.
However, in addition to being lucky in another billion ways, the one I keep focusing on of late is how lucky I am to see a "light at the end of a tunnel" (dramatic...).
I know with complete certainty that no matter what happens between now and the day I make it to my parents house, that the moment I first sit on those comfy green couches... after a big hug from all of my favorite people...everything will fade away. The stress, the emotions, the exhaustion won't mean anything anymore.
So no matter how tired and stressed out I am, I thank God every morning...and every night... and a few times in between... that it's just temporary.
A short crazy train leading to the best year of my life!
I had to take this 2 a.m. break from my 72 hour packing party to remind myself why I'm doing all this... that's it's only temporary and that I am just simply one of the luckiest people in the world.
No more pity parties!
Well, I'll try really hard :) I'm sure that once the wedding planning gets underway, and as things don't go my way I'll have plenty more pity parties... but anyone reading is allowed to slap me out of it! And remind me how lucky I am!
I'm in love. Head over heels. Marrying my best friend. Moving back in with my wonderful family. Counting the minutes until I get to meet Madilynn Renee. Getting a dream vacation in Mexico. Enjoying winter and Christmas.
So many things to be grateful for.
Also, I'm sure that over the next year, I'll be asking for a lot of wedding advice and have a lot of questions so please help! :)
 |
| Daddy, Tyler, Me, Mom Moments after the proposal Logan Square Philadelphia, PA |
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)